Dear leader,

Stop expecting your circle to hold its shape while your identity is changing.

A new season tends to take all of our attention. It might be a pregnancy, a newborn, a new role or a new school year. We plan for it and rearrange our days around it, and the people already in our lives get what's left of us. We assume they will be there when we're ready for them, or that they know where they stand with us.

But most relationships don't end because someone stopped caring. They drift because no one tended to them while everything was changing.

I saw this play out with a Goddess I supported through her early postpartum weeks. She was home with her husband, her newborn and her five-year-old daughter. Her parents had also come to stay, and they brought the ways of caring for a new mother and baby that had worked for them. They trusted those ways. And then there was me, the doula she had chosen.

During those weeks she felt pulled in different directions. Every decision seemed to ask her to pick a side. Choosing felt like the loyal thing to do. But whichever way she leaned, someone she cared about would feel pushed out. Honestly, I was one of those sides. I had to be willing to make room too because my role was to support her whole family, not to be right.

There was no single breakthrough. It happened slowly, as all of us learned to work together. Over time she got clear about what support looked like for her, and each person in her circle found a place. Her parents took over the cooking and running the house. Her husband and her father took over time with her older daughter. I stayed close to her and the baby.

What looked like a disagreement about who was right was really everyone trying to stay close in the only way they knew. No one was overstepping. Their care was how they showed their love.

Choosing a side protects one relationship. Making room protects them all.

That is what maintaining your bonds looks like when your identity is changing. It is not holding on to everyone exactly as they were. It is choosing your circle again for the season that you’re in, and giving each person in it a place.

I have lived some version of this myself. During one busy season, I was doing overnights for one postpartum family while on call for another family's birth. My yoga classes at a school and workplace had also started back up. At home, my daughters had just gone back to school. Dance team rehearsals had started on top of regular classes, and my middle schooler was still settling in. Their activities overlapped, so we decided together as a family who would drive and who would pick up. Part of that was asking my daughters who they wanted there.

It's also why I only provide doula support to one or two families a month. That choice is less about my calendar and more about my intention. I want to keep my promise of always leading with presence to the families I serve and to the people who were in my circle long before any of them.

Faithfulness is rarely a grand gesture. It is the small promise kept on an ordinary day. Sometimes it is the ride you said you would give. Sometimes it is the question you ask before you decide for someone.

The same is true at work. A new role or a new priority gets your full attention, and the people who have carried the work with you for years get your assumptions. A leader who saves her full attention for every new priority does not lose her people in a crisis. She loses them quietly, one missed check-in at a time.

Not everyone will stay in your circle, and that is allowed. You are changing, and some relationships will change with you while others drift. Staying close is a choice. You get to make it on purpose.

Here is where you can begin.

1. Choose your circle for this season. Notice who has gone quiet. Then decide who belongs in your circle right now and what each person counts on from you. Let the rest drift without guilt.

2. Give everyone a place, not a side. When the people you love disagree about how to support you, decide what each person can hold. No one has to lose for you to be cared for.

3. Keep one small promise on purpose. Choose one ritual with someone in your circle that can survive the new season, and keep it even when it is inconvenient.

The people you choose don't need you to stay the same. They need to know they still have a place while you change.

From my desk to yours,

Dr. Michelle El Khoury